I haven’t worn gloves in years.  Pockets do just fine in LA and I’m not deluded enough to think I can pull off black leather no-fingers.

When I was a growing up on the east coast my primary criteria for gloves was whether they were optimal for snowball fights.  Knit gloves were great because you had full control and could pack a super tight snowball to the point where it felt like a chunk of ice.  People like wildly heaving massive handfuls of powder, but any kid trying to get an edge on his buddies knows that the best kind of snowball is slightly smaller than your fist so it can fit comfortably in your fingers like a tennis ball.  You want to use snow that is slightly melted or the icy layer that develops on top, because that’s going to pack in better and actually melt into a hard outer layer from the heat of your hands. 

The only other advice you need?  Take your time and aim.

See, keeping the snowball smaller gives you more control and accuracy, and packing that sucker ensures that your intentions can be felt—even through layered clothing and down jackets.  For every five snowballs you get hit with that disintegrate on impact, one well-placed snowball like this makes the uglies think twice about making you a target again.  Usually they set off on easier prey, or the unanticipated sting throws them into a frenzy of making more terrible snowballs that are thrown inaccurately because of the heat of the moment.  Never get sucked into their amateur style.  Dodge calmly or absorb the meaningless powder, pick up another handful of good snow, pack it tight, find your victim, and aim…

The downfall of knit gloves is that they get soaked after three or four snowballs, and once your fingers freeze up you’re out of the game.  On the flipside, the big goretex gloves that keep you warm and dry usually have fingers that are too bulky and padded to properly gather or pack a good snowball, much less throw it with any accuracy.  You were nice if you could find gloves that were thin enough to give you control but warm and waterproof enough to keep from getting wet.  They might as well been the Infinity Gauntlet; those were the gloves the other kids would try and jack you for.

All that to say—I probably wouldn’t step to a snowball fight strapped with deerhide mitts.

But if I did get gloves, I’d want them to look like these.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Now go make someone cry.